last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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