You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
