Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
