btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
