so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
