You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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