She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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