I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
