i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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