Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
