Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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