I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
