Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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