You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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