the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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