let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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