Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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