my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
