My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
