omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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