Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
