the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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