matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
