It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
