I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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