im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Small penises have feelings too.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize