saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
