My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
