the condom got lost in my hair
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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