even my farts smell like vagina
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
