My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Cover your peen. We're going out.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
