i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
