I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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