My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
