You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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