You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
