I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
