I can text with my tongue
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
