Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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