she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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