At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
