If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
