Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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