thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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