Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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