I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
