How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
it's like iHOP with fire
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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