this boner is exhausting
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
