Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
