I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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