He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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