One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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