I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
