I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
