Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
