Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The ass gains better be worth it
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