Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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