Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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